MY DISAPPOINTMENTS

🗣️ : How disappointed are you with life and its events?
.
🧕🏽 : Very disappointed after I failed to get married in 2007-2008..🤣..After that, I think life is not worth living..Five (5) times attempted suicide but failed! Sighed because failure had become my closest BFF (Best Friend Forever)..🤣..
.
My disappointment with living on earth is that if I ever be diagnosed with CANCER or other chronic illnesses (no touch wood!), I will NOT undergo chemotherapy or whatever treatments..I don't want to fight with illnesses for life longevity..I just want it to end my life after I failed to do so..Just let it be the cause of my death..Still praying for me to die in my sleep though..😁..
.
I don't want to add more "miseries" to anyone connected to me..after seeing how "miserable" they are just having me UNMARRIED..so, why add more salt to the existing wound, right?!✌🏽
.
It is okay if after my death, anyone needs to say "Pity! She should have fought it to the end. It is still curable!".."She's still young to die..".."What a stupid choice..can cure but choose death instead"..It is okay to comment..because none of them are walking in my shoes..👍🏽👍🏽
.
It is NOT just not getting married that encourages me to give up on life..this desire to give up build up since I was a kiddo..when I saw all those unfairness..shaming in my life..despite I still look like a human but people around me treating me like an alien with green skin colour, two horns on my head..which I did wondered in front of the mirror while growing up with question "I look different from other humans? Nope..but why is my life so miserably ugly like this?!"..🤷🏽🤷🏽🤷🏽
.
I was not born with any visible physical disabilities but I was treated worse than those people with visible disabilities..No empathy..No sympathy..Always abused me with ugly statements affecting my mental health..Still, the world saw me as "nothing's wrong with her" just a calm soul..then continues treating me "she deserved to be abused because she's fat..she's black..she ain't that pretty..she's slooooow.."..year in..year out..hmmmm..Do I deserve all that because of the imperfections ALLAH gave me since birth?🤔🤔🤔
.
If you are in my shoes, you view the world residents like those "barbarians" Yajuj-Majuj..scary creatures with two horns and you wonder what you did to those people since childhood until you so-called deserve those "barbaric actions" befall upon you?..Sad just thinking as a child, I just did not know where my mistake was! That's how I summarised my growing up journey..Can you feel the disappointments? Hopefully you can!
.
With all mentioned, don't I  deserve to be very disappointed with life..feel like ending my life..want to just give up and exit this world..??
.
I am still breathing NOT because I love being alive but ALLAH wants me to be ALIVE still..my "mission" on earth still incomplete..that's what ALLAH trying to tell me..which until to this moment, I am still figuring it out WHAT IS MY MISSION which is still pending for completion.
.
#MyDISAPPOINTMENTS

Popular posts from this blog

SUNDAY SERMON BY ME

"I don't cry easily..not until I have had enough..Like that day..until Harlem said - "at last you open your big mouth to tell the whole truth!"..Yeah! The truth why I am not married but have many exes..bcoz those exes cannot accept my family..they even questioned why I am the only one paying the water-electricity bill..buying the household's groceries etc..why can't the expenses be divided equally amongst me and the other 5 children?..Why I am the only one needs to be there for your mom at medical checkup? What the others are doing? etc etc..You think what.. . I just don't share with you..Why the child doesn't share with the parents bcoz the parents are too busy judging the child! That's why you think you know me bcoz you gave birth to me..but the reality, you don't. I am NOT like my sisters..Being indirect "laid off" from the high post, my lil sister ran back to you and cried..Did not get to take up Diploma on sponsorship by the w...
Next

VOTING DAY

Image
In the midst of Phase Two of CoVid-19 Pandemic, Singapore held its GE 2020. For great safety of voters, senior generation above 65 years old were allocated the most earliest voting time slot from 8am to 12pm. My parents were allocated time slot from 9am to 11am. Voters aged below 65 years old were allocated time slot from 12pm to 8pm. I was given time slot from 5pm to 7pm. ACTUAL POLLING DAY' STRUGGLES Since last night I have reminded my parents to prepare for polling day. Advised my mom to take off all her jewelleries as she will need to put on plastic gloves at the polling center and puts off adult diaper as I do not know how long the process of viting will be. My mom did took off all her jewelleries but when we were about to go out of the house and asked her whether she puts on adult diaper, she did not do so. I jumped. I nagged. I was frustrated when no one listened! My mom retaliated by saying that she's not going to vote. I told her off that I will informed...
Next

BENCI KAH ALLAH PADA AKU?

Image
Kat ruang peribadi aku yg gelap, aku termenung..terfikir..bukan kali ini sahaja..tapi, dah banyak kali selama hidup aku yg dah lebih dari setengah abad.. SCENARIO Tak berapa pandai..Alhamdulillah dapat segulung ijazah dari universiti yg bertauliah..hanya universiti tempatan..mula bekerja..memang tak reti goyang kaki..maklum jenis manusia yang lasak aktiviti luar rumah..putus cinta beberapa kali tapi masih steady..bernafas tanpa halangan..Alhamdulillah..Kenal seseorang..Bahagia dengan kurniaan ALLAH..Perlahan buat persiapan nak bernikah..Kedua keluarga setuju..Bernikahlah dengan jayanya..walaupon orang biashe biashe..Pergi dan balik honeymoon..Alhamdulillah semua "smooth sailing" kata omputih..Then,...jeng jeng jeng..Medical checkup pasal asyik gigi berdarah..maksudnya gusi ada isu..Ya ALLAH! Doktor kata ada rare cancer..Bingung! Nak buat camner nie! Panik! Ya ALLAH! Takleh bekerja?! Operasi limpa dengan segera?! Percentage living after operation - 70% and longevity - 5 year...
Next