INCREASE OF SUICIDE CASES IN SINGAPORE

Saw the article that there is an increase in suicide cases..for age range of 31-39 years old..
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Once it was said that if you are not successful..not rich..not well-known..not married..not achieving anything great by 40 years old, you will be forever unsuccessful, poor, unknown, unmarried and a great loser.
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When I reached 40 years old, personally I felt more calm..eventhough I am not successful, not rich, not achieving greatness, not married, not known and not achieving anything great..bcoz I don't put age target on being the REAL me..the person who is not interested to impress anything except the reflection on the mirror..someone who care less what are others saying about me as only my words against my actions, not others!
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I am not proud to confess that I have made 5th suicide attempt and failed..
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I am not embarrassed to claim that I am FAT with no intention to lose weight just to please others' eyes..
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I am not disheartened each time people ridicule me for being a job hopper bcoz I always regard it as I did justice to the world by not adding more homicide cases due to bullying case at workplace..Sometimes I feel like a Batman..most of the time, I am just John Wick.
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I did converted to Agnostic once after I was being stressed by my own mother with her comparison on which of her children are more successful and richest which of coz I was belittled and looked down on! To me, Islam is great religion and my expectation on Muslims are high..unfortunately some Muslims drained all my positive energy leaving only the negatives. Yeah! 2 years I was not opening the Al Qur'an..not reciting it bcoz I was Agnostic! Then I returned..reverted to Islam and now, I no longer care who is successful..who is richest within my family..bcoz to me, the great success and wealth in this world are not the escape route out of Jahannam..not the access code to Firdausy..I also realise that even I appear in Forbes millions times, I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH to my mother..NOT GOOD ENOUGH to my family..SO BE IT! I just need to know that I am GOOD ENOUGH to ALLAH! That's better than NOTHING, right?!
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Back to the article! I sensed something when I read the article. I sensed that sometimes people around me push me to the edge..which is the reality of dogs eating dogs kinda world! Last destination in life..Last phase in life! But I sensed a more deeper  reason that the suicide cases are  increasing for the age range 31-39. 
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I sensed that most of the time, I push myself too much..my expectations of my own self can be damn high which makes it unreachable by any human and that includes ME! If other aging women are worrying about their BIOLOGICAL clock, I am more worried about my aim to appear  on the cover of Forbes..some sort of like that! Not to show the world "Hey! I am on Forbes" as I was born to know that I am always NOT GOOD ENOUGH for others so I have heck care on what others think and say about me. This is more to my own deepest satisfaction in myself. Yes! I might not be narcissistic but yeah! I am obsessed with myself, my life and my achievement to serve-benefit myself! 
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I have some beliefs that suicide at that age range, maybe..just maybe..our expectations towards ourselves are too over-whelming..Yes! We tend to deny that fact..always playing victim..forever pushing blames to others around us to be the abusers..without realising that we are the main force pushing ourselves off the cliff! I sensed that! 
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With that, I better STOP putting more pressure on myself..so, let me rest in my so-called 'job vacation'..Now let ALLAH pay all my bills after what had happened to my 2nd brother who now no longer can assist me financially!
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Ya ALLAH, sila bayarkan! Aku meminta bukan pada yang lain..Aku meminta hanya pada-Mu, ya ALLAH! HasbunALLAH wa nikmal waqeel, Nikmal maula wa nikman naseer..Aamiin ya rabbal 'Alaamiin..
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"No one wishes to kill themselves. Everyone just desperately needs to ease the pains and suicide is the only way out!" ~ Murni said that?
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