FLASHBACK..2020..

Yes! Year 2020 has left us all..but year 2020 for sure has left a great deal in our lives..for it is the toughest year so far for the whole entire world.

I started the year 2020 by losing a former closed colleague end of 2019..It was quite sad but I think she is better off be gone..as most of the instructions she received were misinterpreted and I could not assist her as we were doing different regions' portfolio.

She was persistent to have a 24-hours termination which ended me screaming at her stating her request is ridiculous..Please forgive me, Miss J..but sometimes you just reacted like a spoilt bratz daughter of a rich man..yeah! Her parents are damn rich but that's no excuse to be a spoilt bratz at work. Personally, I dislike this kinda behaviour..but too many around me. So, she left without serving the notice given by Management.

Management caught up with me the very next day as she refused to return to the office that day to serve days of her notice and claimed that people at the office were bullying her. I really sighed aloud in front of the Management. To me, she shouldn't have said such statement..to me, if you want to MIA..go ahead, just do it BUT don't blame others for your action. That's not hypocrisy! That's being MATURED, Darling!

I told the Management that I could not comment about it bcoz I did not feel being bullied! Why do people at the office want to bully me in the first place? I am NOT aftering any promotion..I am NOT aftering my name in anyone's good book..I am there to work because my mom told me to go out and work..be independent..prepare myself for the life after my parents is gone for good! That's all!

Given a choice, I prefer staying at home doing domestic chores..at least I work at my own pace and no deadlines..I don't need to hear to negatives feedbacks from my superiors..don't need to watch my back for backstabbers..I just cook, clean and gardening at my own timing..no one rushing me! However my mom thinks otherwise..what's the point having all the certificates but I am at home like a housewife..hehehe..🤣🤣🤣

The abovementioned then followed by me tendering my resignation after my direct Associate Lawyer left the firm on Friday, 13 September 2019 to move on to other organisation and I lost a former closed colleague end of 2019. I was left with no direct Associate Lawyer. I was only assisting other secretaries with this and that miscellaneous including warehousing of closed files which cases were closed more than 3 years ago, surprisingly. If I am not wrong, I warehoused around 30 boxes of closed files which was abandoned by the former secretaries and long gone Directors and Associate Lawyers.🥴🥴🥴

Yes! My intention was to take a good rest AGAIN during unemployment after my last day on 6 March 2020. Also thought of going for backpacking when I saw my huge backpack in my bedroom which I bought from Lynn's colleague..I always wanted to move around..exploring other countries..observing other lives..learning other cultures and traditions..I don't mind involving in charity works..which I have longed pend over the years due to my busiest lifestyle.🙄🙄🙄

Sadly, 7 April 2020 marked the day the most expensive cost living island in Asia LOCKDOWN..CIRCUIT BREAKER..I felt stuck..nowhere to go..no job..nothing to do as it will be indoor 24-7..at times I felt like in warzone..commanded to stay indoor..but I could not hear the tanks passing by..no sound of missiles been launched so, it is NOT the real warzone!😝😝😝

I met my partner on 7 April 2020..went to the beach..Yes! Not many people there..Few police officers around..Obviously could not stay there in peace..So, we went home. Later at night, we went out again for dinner..NO DINING IN! Shocked but we took it easy and just packed the foods. We ate in the park..Then officers approached me to ask with whom I was there at night in a park..I pointed to my partner. I was told not to stay outdoor for too long..NOT SAFE! Shocked again.

Since 8 April 2020 until end of June 2020, I did not meet my partner which OK to me but NOT OK to him..Hehehe..Every single day he would called two-three times..He was craziest! When announced can dine out in couple setup, he was the first to call me and asked me out..hahahahaaaa..so touched, dear..We dined out..as usual if not met me for a long time, he would stared at me for a long minutes..hehehe..Eversince each time he has a transport, my partner will ask me out..hehehe..not gonna take things for granted anymore..

During the CIRCUIT BREAKER, I learnt alot..I got to know myself more..I began to accept that Islam is no longer my religious belief since the first week in the month of Ramadhan which thereafter I stopped fasting for good..and caregiving is not my forte eventually. Yes! I cannot be a caregiver..Many times I exploded in anger..cursing here and there..really angry with my parents especially my father who is supposed to be responsible over my mother's well-being as he is her husband but my father acted like a dementian..that really frustrated me as I did not expected him to be in this situation..futhermore he does not consume any medication which I concluded as he being as HEALTHY as an ox..🐂🐂🐂

While others are looking forward to meet their family and parents in the next world ~ in heaven, I do not wish to meet anyone related to me in the next life..either heaven or hell..That strengthened my wish to be out of Islam and be an Agnostic. With immediate effect, I returned all my prayer mats, prayer attire aka telekung, all religious books to the cabinets in the living room. Seriously I am going to be an Agnostic. If I die, I wish for my body to be cremated and all my ash to be shattered at the sea or river..I do not wish to have any tombs for anyone to visit me..I just want to be left alone..DEAD!🙏

I told my eldest sister and as expected, she disagreed my renouncement of Islam..she advised me to rethink about it deeply..she stopped talking to me for a few days..which I have expected! After that she texted me stating that no matter what I believe in, she still regards me as her sister eventhough she does not understand why I must change religious faith. She added that she is NOT supporting me changing religious faith..she just want me to be happy and sadly, Islam making me feel miserable. To me, that statement is more than enough!

I told Harlem..he was sad to hear it. He commented that I can just continue to be in Islam and no need to do all those religious thingy if I do not want to..but he accepted the fact that Islam has disappointed me all these years since childhood..and there's nothing he can do..😔😔😔

I started my journey as an Agnostic..I believe there is God..I just need to be kind and nice to people around me. I don't need to fast just to feel what it is like to be left with no food and live in poverty..I don't need certain specific time to be with God as God is always with me every breathe I am taking..I felt my shoulders lifted..lightened! I continue my life with wider smile nowadays..except when handling my parents ~ no smile on my face!😤😤😤

An agent contacted me in September 2020..actually he was trying to contact me since August 2020 but I was not aware of his email..ahakz..I was asked about a job offer which without thinking deeply I accepted as I can no longer stands the situation at home with my parents..sometimes I did feel like running away but where can I go..as all way out of Singapore are still closed! Really frustrated. My eldest sister advised me to go to work as it is too hectic to stay at home to care for two dementians..worst, my mother keeps on comparing and praising my lil sister for being rich, married with children and have great career, making me feel like a total great failure and loser..So, I started working again as a temp staff on 1 October 2020..RELIEVED!

At the earliest stage, the job was easiest.. which suitable for the salary rate offered..Now, I sometimes did not know why I am still there..However, I am still working there as I write this blog..if I don't, I will update in the next blog!

I am less stressful in life nowadays as I am away for 10 hours at least from Monday to Friday..My dementian parents as always driving me up the wall during my off days and weekends..sometimes I screamed aloud..sometimes I just let them be what they wannabe..sometimes feel like abandoning them straightaway..sometimes I forced myself not to have murderer's thought in mind when facing them. 😏😏😏

My resolution for year 2021 in regards of my dementian parents is that I need to communicate lesser and lesser with them as another way to avoid being frustrated with them..I still cook and feed them..will pay the bills as long as I am still working..but that's all..I need to leave a gap between myself and them..They are indeed one of the toxic people in my life so far..besides my relatives, former colleagues and former friends!

Overall, year 2020 was indeed worst, very unpleasant..made my life in deep shit! 💩💩💩..I could not find new job with high salary so far..I could not travel to release my tension of being in Singapore and working for months..Even Christmas is NOT as happiest as years before as my current salary is NOT ENOUGH to shower myself with expensive gifts..no way entering those branded boutiques so far..Indeed I pray so hard year 2020 does not have any twins..better don't repeat this pandemic situation ever again..Not only a part of a country affected but the entire world affected by one miserable action of inhumanity..

Hopefully year 2021 will be blessed by God with all the greatest again. How suffering the residents of this world for it shall not be repeated..May Lord have the mercy and bless all humans! 🙏🙏🙏